Daddy Dearest....
Posted: Wednesday, June 22, 2011
by Heidi Cornelissen
Completely Human
I baulked at the topic when I saw what had been given to us this week.
I immediately thought, "Oh well... I'll give that one a skip!"
But the thought lingered... and lingered. So I decided to embrace the challenge and see what came out.
As part of my story and bio when speaking I often use the line 'I had an absent father' to explain my life's journey so far and the build-up to my current business. Having an absent father brought with it a fair amount of challenges and certainly required healing on my part. Naturally this process takes years and various aspects of it still keep me evolving and falling into a deeper understanding of who I am.
Through my father I saw what it looks like to be trapped in a relationship that doesn't work or make you happy. He was never really present with us even before my mother eventually set him free by asking him to leave. This was all before I'd even started school.
Revisiting all of this at the retreat, and understanding 'contrast' to be one of life's greatest teachers, I felt grateful that I could now choose differently in my life. And in my relationships. To this day, I continually and actively work on my marriage as I've given myself permission to make a break if it no longer works for me.
And so far, it definitely does work for me! It gets better year after year. We're married 14 years this year and I'm loving the journey.
The permission-to-leave concept may sound illogical, but it's a great motivating technique. My first choice is always to be happily married to him. And I'll stay where I'm happy. If I'm not happy, I'll change the situation to be happy. My husband has the same permission and this understanding brings us closer together. This concept opens up communication and leaves little doubt that we want to be together and still enjoy each other.
Some practical principles that I apply in this regard include:
- Make a choice every day. "Is this the life I want to life? Is this the relationship I want to be in?"
- If the answer is 'yes' - appreciate it, work at it and hold onto it.
- If the answer is 'no' - ask yourself what you're going to do about it. What's your next step?
Many spiritual practices and/or religions teach forgiveness. I accept this, but don't accept that I can 'just forgive' for the sake of it. Personally, I'd rather learn and understand what is potentially hidden in any relationship (or circumstance) and move through that experience. I then automatically shift into gratitude where there is no longer any need for 'forgiveness' per se.
Where and how can you move from your deepest challenge to deepest gratitude?
"Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them."
~ Oscar Wilde
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Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)The second word of your first sentence is misspelled!
It is 'balked', not 'baulked'!Thank you!
Hi Heidi! Interesting article with some good practical advices...I have one thing to add, "forgiveness has no boundary. It is divine and can change the life today or tomorrow or some day surely for the better."Regards, Chiradeep
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